Story
of growth
OTHERS(S) - Relationships
Matt Bitsko
I am pleased and honored to offer this story of growth.
I have much respect for Hold the Door and one of its primary
founders, Rob Fazio. For these reasons, I offer my brief
story below. This is a written update to the story I first
presented in the original Hold the Door CD-Rom.
On March 17th, 1991, St. Patties Day, my cousin Greg was
killed in an automobile accident. I must convey that Greg
was like a brother to me in many ways. My family has always
fostered close relationships with our cousins; on that
day, I’m sad to say, I’d almost wished they
hadn’t.
Late that evening, Greg was driving a car with two other
occupants. He and one passenger were killed and the other
suffered severe brain damage. Greg was driving while intoxicated
and ran a stop sign less than a half mile from his childhood
home. He was 22 and a recent graduate of Penn State. I
can’t go into my many thoughts and emotions of guilt,
anger, and responsibility, but I believe they play, and
continue to play, a role in my coping with this process
(I can’t believe I just called it a process).
In the spring of 1991, I was a freshman at Randolph-Macon
College and was experiencing a wonderful year of fun and
exploration. On St. Patrick’s Day of that year, I
pitched a no-hitter for Randolph-Macon’s baseball
team. As you can see, this will be a story of extreme ups
and downs. To be brief, allow me to say that I celebrated
that night. It strikes me still to this day that I was
probably in the same mental mindset as Greg in those very
same moments that night. In hindsight, I suppose I was
lucky to be celebrating at a small residential college
that did not require any driving – but that gets
into chance and circumstance which I’m not willing
to consider right now. Please know, however, that these
facts have never been lost on me. I awoke, quite hazily,
that morning to receive the phone call of his death.
My story from that night to this day revolves around a
concept I’ve come to know as time perspective. I
reacted to Greg’s death during my college years with
an even more “devil may care” and unbridled “you
never know” mentality. I would work hard and play
hard, with, perhaps, special emphasis on the playing hard
motif. Looking back, it is safe to say that I was certainly
focusing almost exclusively on the present moment with
an almost hedonistic bend to most all of my interactions.
As it always does, time marched on. The years since 1991
saw me navigate personal, academic, career, and relationship
developments. These events made me consider my past, present,
and future. I guess that gets me to the “what did
I do” part of this story.
Rob at Hold the Door suggested that I consider how this
loss has helped me deal with future adversities, relationships,
and, perhaps, a new appreciation for life. I believe I
have grown in many wonderful ways as a result of Greg’s
death. From the time of his death, I guess I’ve always
had the mindset that I wanted to somehow allow this to
make me be a better person. As you may understand, this
notion brings both guilt and pride. How selfish of me to
try to grow from this experience!? However, I didn’t
want to consider the alternatives.
So what did I do? I’ve always tried to maintain
that present focused “time perspective” (what
a sterile term!) that enables me to live in the present
moment and always make the most of my relationships. To
me, this has often meant staying up way past my “bedtime” to
enjoy and build the bonds between friends and family. I
drive and fly great distances to keep up those relationships,
even though it often borders on insanity. Paradoxically,
this present focus gives me constantly renewed faith about
my future relationships with these many people. Further,
it has helped me look back upon these relationships with
satisfaction and contentment.
Essentially, I believe that grieving the death of loved
one presents us all with one common question: How will
I approach future relationships? Will I run away from them
(“shield”) or will I “fuse” myself
to others as I attempt to hold on tightly? We all have
to answer this question for ourselves. For me, I have tried
to cultivate strong relationships since Greg’s death.
This may be the choice point for us all. But what, indeed,
are the options. Do we knowingly cultivate future strong
relationships knowing that ultimately loosing these people
will result in much pain, or do we actively (on unconsciously)
pursue relationships that are shallow to shield us from
the inevitable pain of loosing them?
Importantly, I have focused my attention on a relatively
small amount of people – my family and close friends.
This concept also applies to the wonderful women I met
in my mid twenties. Kelly and I got married and are “cultivating” our
own beautiful family while maintaining balanced relationships.
To this end, I suppose that maintaining sanity and balance
in my relationships is where I currently stand and will
continue to evaluate.
Thanks for listening. I know writing this has been helpful
for me. I hope it has been helpful for you.
Matt
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